I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
