I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
Randomize
