i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
