sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Randomize
