My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize