Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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