I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
