he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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