just survived the first fart of the relationship.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
