Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
