OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Randomize
