Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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