i'm lost and i look like a hooker
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
