My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Randomize
