Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Randomize
