i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
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