i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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