i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Randomize
