Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
