You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
