I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
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