Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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