New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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