i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Randomize
