someone threw a dead crab at me
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Randomize
