im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
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