I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
