Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
