No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
How would you go about getting a hold of the country star that you slept with and are now potentially pregnant with their baby...?
myspace Music?
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
