Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
