walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
