this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
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