so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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