Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
