there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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