I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
