i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
did i just pee glitter
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize