I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
like why cant he just admit that he still wants to fuck me even though im underage
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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