I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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