Small penises have feelings too.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
