When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
