I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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