I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
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