homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
