One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Randomize
