I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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