captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
Randomize
