omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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