if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
