he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize