paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
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