I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize