twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
there is puke in my bra ... again
Randomize
