I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
