Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Randomize
