Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
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