how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Randomize
