Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
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