yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize