I wish you could order shots online.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
